The craziest year

2025 was a whirlwind of changes. Flew 21 times over 51k miles. It was utter exhaustion at the end - with an illness that has carried over from December 2025 till now.

I was told last week, "I felt like you've speed ran everyone else's 50 years of life into 10 years." There were some truth to it.

Spent half a decade learning new things, meeting people, and building endlessly. Running my own startup, in China and in the UK, having different jobs... I barely slept before 10pm. Most of the time I slept at 2-3am and then 5-6 hours of sleep. I am tired.

I can feel it when I am building WebKit binding for Datadog right now. My focus, energy level are not the same as it used to be. Reading through v8-internal and v8-isolate - I wonder, where is my photo-copy memory? Is this the mental fatigue everyone was telling me about after a couple of years of non-stop building?

The latter half of 2025 - I can see the slope of fatigue hitting on me, like the ferns creeping up the walls, eating me slowly. Sometimes I had to sleep for 12 hours to recover, or more. I was travelling too much, not having my routine, Third Space, hot yoga, not having the abundance of vegetables like I had when I was in London.

It got even worse when I was in China. Waking up at 11pm, work until 10am the next day and then sleep at 1pm. Because of all the family get-togethers and events, I felt like I was having two full time jobs - they'd wake me up, or ask me to go out together at 11am - my sleep schedule was completely thrown off.

I was hoping to have some rest when I was in China - didn't expect it to feel like "I was running out of life.".

After I got back to London, the crazy schedule continues. Slack went off every minute, starting at noon every day. I work from lunch time til 2am, with house viewings every day. There were at least 2 days I completely passed out at 4pm.

I was reminded I haven't seen the sun, or when I see the sun I felt like a ghost. Not having time to work out.

I couldn't feel love.

It wasn't just the love towards people. I couldn't feel my love for work, for code, for everything that used to make me feel alive.

No matter how much money I make, I am not happy. Even if that money puts me on 0.01% percentile in London.

So I left again. Not the best move, but if I felt like dying, I had to.

A week after getting my routine back, starting to eat at normal times, going to work out - mom said I looked so much prettier. Bev said the same - I looked calmer and prettier, there was peace in my eyes.

I wasn't even shipping enough, at least not to my standards.

I wanted to go back to London - to find the people who make me feel alive again, and myself. He said I am incredibly hot, I was laughing so hard inside, thinking "This is the worst version of me - I don't even know how you'd be able to see me at my best."

I gained a ton of weight that I haven't had for years.

I know why.

Not feeling love is a huge problem

I am the driver of my life. Everything, everyone else is a passenger. I have to be in full control of what's going on and what will happen next. People, things, work - they hop on and ask for a ride, I am glad to have the company, but if I want to keep a good ride, full of fun, joy, and excitement, I need to feel the love. For them, for the world, for myself.

Preparing for the next run

Like the lion in hibernation. I need to rest, recharge and prepare for the next run. I don't know what the next run would be yet - and so far none of the opportunities that came to me felt right.

The question is - my friends all seemed to be able to market themselves and find places where they want to be. But my ideal opportunities don't seem to be coming to me. There are a lot of opportunities that came to me - but none of them felt right.

If this is a question of "how I market myself", comparing how Alistair, Samnuel, Nicholas (jk he doesn't even market himself) are doing it - there are something missing in those elements.

Although I can see their marketing is highly focusing on building, marketing what they built. Alistair is slightly less so on social media but rather privately - he is extremely young, well-spoken, and known enough, sometimes also with things they are interested in.

To build, care about the details relentlessly and talk about the details relentlessly.

Finding love again

The way forward is deadly simple.

Care about myself.

Care about my mood. If anything seems to become an outlier of my daily routine that I feel an urge to do - there is something about my mood that I am not giving enough attention to and I should. Write it down.

Sleep early.

Have a routine. Work out.

Eat at a normal time.

WebKit, Datadog, Bun, Fourier Transform, Signal and Systems...all my projects - they can come later.

Love myself first, and give it time.

Money will always come to find me.